How Should We Deal with Our Father Who Wastes Our Money on Non-Essentials? - Islamweb.com

How Should We Deal with Our Father Who Wastes Our Money on Non-Essentials?

Question: Peace be upon you and God's mercy and blessings.

I am an unmarried young man in my mid-twenties. My family consists of 7 siblings, my mother, and my father. I am—praise be to God—employed with a good salary. My father has been insisting and asking me to give him money since I was a teenager. When I got employed two years ago, I took out a large loan and paid off most of my father's debts, bought him a car, and made him swear not to take on new debt and not to burden himself with loans so he could enjoy his retirement salary. However, he took on more than one debt, and now has no spending money left at all. He depends on me and my sister for his daily expenses, paying electricity and water bills, and some household needs.

I am a man who fears God and do not want to be disobedient to my father. Since we were young, we have been paying our father without benefit. Every period he says it's just a short time until he finishes paying off this loan or that debt, and when he finishes it, he goes and takes another loan even though he doesn't need it. After paying off most of his major debts, he took new loans and debts, and we're still going in the same cycle since we were young.

Sometimes I put small amounts of money beside my bed when sleeping, and I wake up to find my father has taken the money without my permission. When we give him money sometimes to pay his installments, we're surprised to find he didn't pay the installment and spent the money on matters less important than the installment. Am I obligated to give my father money, or can I refuse to give him money without sin upon me? I'm thinking of refusing to give him money as my last resort, so he'll stop taking new debts and putting us and himself in major financial problems.

I'm about to get married and want to buy a new house—God willing—and I can't continue like this with this situation. My father doesn't understand this and says: "You and your money belong to your father, and I gave birth to you so you would help me in my old age." So I say: "Yes, we help you, but not this way—by taking loans and debts without our knowledge and spending them on secondary matters while leaving necessary matters that you could save for, then you can't pay these new loans or have no spending money left, and you ask us and force us to help you financially?"

Answer: In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. Peace be upon you and God's mercy and blessings. After that:

Welcome, our beloved son, to Islam Web consultations.

First: We would like to give you good news—our beloved son—that everything you spend on your father and assist him with is stored for you with Allah Almighty on one hand, and on the other hand, Allah Almighty has promised you that He will compensate you for what you spend, as Allah the Almighty said: {And whatever you spend of anything, He will replace it; and He is the best of providers}.

Know with certainty that obedience to Allah Almighty and kindness to parents are among the greatest causes for bringing sustenance, for piety to Allah Almighty is a sure cause for bringing sustenance to this person, and kindness to the parent and being dutiful to him is among the greatest qualities of piety. Allah said: {And whoever fears Allah—He will make for him a way out and will provide for him from where he does not expect}.

So be at peace and calm, knowing that what you give to your father is in its proper place. However, this does not mean extravagance and waste, nor does it mean neglecting your interests that you need, such as marriage and housing. The matter requires a kind of moderation, and beware lest Satan make disobedience to your parent and depriving him of your goodness and favor seem attractive to you because of some of his actions that you don't approve of. This also doesn't mean giving your parent control over all your money and neglecting your interests, especially certain matters like marriage. Try to compare matters and be moderate and balanced, as the Prophet—peace be upon him—said: "Be moderate and seek the nearest to perfection."

We cannot give you a general ruling to refuse all your father's requests or not, but there are matters you must respond to your father about and give him money when he asks for them, which are expenses for himself and his wife. You should also hasten and initiative when he asks you for money to spend on those he tries to be kind to. This is the reason why the Prophet—peace be upon him—said this hadith that your father uses as evidence, which is his saying—peace be upon him—: "You and your wealth belong to your father." The reason for this is that a man came complaining to the Prophet that his father was taking his money. When the father came, he informed the Prophet—peace be upon him—that he takes the money to spend on himself and his relatives and kinship ties, so the Prophet—peace and blessings be upon him—said these words to him.

Try to please your father even if you don't give him money sometimes, and use methods that avoid confronting him and showing your disobedience to him, by hiding some money from him and trying to use ambiguous words implying that you don't have money and so forth, and that you spent it on needs. Try to actually spend it on needs you require before your father knows about it, and thus you will have achieved your interests and pleased your father.

Some people came to consult the companions of the Prophet—peace be upon him—about their father when he ordered them to divorce their wives. Abu Darda—may Allah be pleased with him—told him: "I neither command you nor forbid you, but I heard the Messenger of Allah say: 'The parent is the middle gate of Paradise, so preserve that gate or waste it.'"

We ask Allah for your success.

Original Fatwa here